By Scott Span, special to Overdrive

We all have hot buttons and triggers, those little things (or sometimes big things) that get us so upset they make our blood boil. They can often cause us to “flip our lid,” and they happen in both our personal and professional lives. Regardless of what your hot buttons may be (and trust me, figuring out what they are and why is never easy), there are some ways you can respond if they do get pushed.

Breathe: I know we all do this anyway, but I mean really breathe. Just stop and take a few of those yoga-style deep breathes. Long breaths in through the nose – hold it – out through the mouth. This is a first step in calming yourself down … it really works, even for folks as high strung as my father (it’s OK; his hot buttons won’t get pushed. He doesn’t read my online “articles”).

While it’s not always possible to just stop in the middle of a conversation or conflict, close your eyes and take deep breathes, you can always wait until the interaction ends. Just make sure before you start stewing over what just transpired that you take a moment to do this … if you can go for a walk, even better.

Communication: I know you’re probably thinking – I already communicate! We all do, both verbally and non-verbally. We also all have distinctive communication styles and preferences. Our signals and queues can be interpreted differently than we intend. That means that our impact and our intent when communicating with one another can be a bit misaligned at times.

One way to try and prevent that misalignment, and your hot buttons from being pushed, is to deal with issues when they occur. Stop the interaction, mention the hot buttons and concerns, provide feedback and ask for clarification. In short, if you feel your buttons getting pushed as someone is communicating with you, tell them.

You could calmly say, for example “… Excuse me (name), but I’m feeling myself getting a bit upset with what you’re saying to me.”  You can also raise an observation “… You know (name), I noticed that you kept rolling your eyes when I was speaking and muttering, were you aware of that? Is there something you want to chat about?” 

In addition, share your communications styles and preferences with others and ask about their own. For example, do you prefer short and sweet conversations? Do you prefer email to phone? Do you like lots of facts or little details? In some cases, people may not acknowledge you at all, tell you no or say that they don’t care … but you’ll never know unless you try.

Feedback: Giving and receiving feedback is imperative to making sure your hot buttons don’t get pushed, and it is also imperative to helping you not push others’ hot buttons – it’s a cycle.  If you want someone to know that their behaviors and actions are upsetting to you, then you need to tell them why you’re upset and how that makes you feel.

Sometimes it’s as simple as saying “… I think what I hear you saying is abc, is that correct…?” or “… You know (name), when you say things like that it really makes me feel frustrated.” or “… When I hear/see you do/say _______, it makes me feel _______ because ________.”

Now, this is not to say that your hot buttons are never going to be pushed – of course they are, it’s a part of life. But hopefully, with a bit more awareness around how to manage yourself when they do get pushed, life may seem a bit easier. Who knows, your relationships may even improve and your blood pressure may even drop.

Scott Span is president of Tolero Solutions Organizational Development & Change Management Consulting. Tolero Solutions specializes in facilitating sustainable growth by developing people and organizations to be more focused, effective, productive and profitable.